Self acceptance

I’ve finally accepted or am very close to officially accepting where I am appearance wise right now in life. The years after giving birth have been challenging.  Shortly after giving birth breast feeding kept me right. I didn’t even realize how small I was. Months after stopping and starting to work a 8-5 job the pounds came back plus more. I was always 120 lbs, or smaller but never over. So having these added 20lbs was such a difficult thing to accept. Like why, how, and when did this happen. I didn’t feel like I had done anything different but all of a sudden I had trouble climbing a flight of stairs, walking to the corner. 

Once I had enough I figured I’d invest in the personal trainer and really put in work to burn the fat off. Unfortunately I didn’t take it seriously and kept giving into my sweet and junk food tooth. I figured since I was burning so many calories working out I could still eat crap and some how look like Teynan Taylor (she’s been my inspiration since before the whole Kanye music video). So after working my but off for three months I no doubt gained some endurance, but I was still fat. So then I decided to change my eating. 

A co worker at the time told me about the Whole30.  It sounded easy just talking about it, I was instantly interested. My supervisor and I decided to give it a try. Sure we could eat nothing but fruit, vegetables, lean meats, and drink water. There was no beans, dairy, grains, corn, sweetners allowed, NONE.  My supervisor and I almost killed ourselves the first two weeks only eating raw fruits and vegetables. We soon realized we needed to make it more interesting and refined recipes we would normally eat just adding and substituting for things we could indulge in. 

We did it all 30 frickin days. I lost a total of 14lbs.  People around me could see it in my face, I could tell because of how loose my jeans fit. It was amazing but I was still not ready. I ate all the junk the moment I hit my 31st day and a stomach ache I had. I wouldn’t suggest anyone just indulge right after reaching a clean diet goal. 

Of course I gained every pound back plus more. Now it’s been almost two years since that whole 30 diet/cleanse. I’ve said every month since that I was starting again. I’ve found it extremely difficult to have self control and actually stick with the Whole30 for at least a week. 

I told myself sometime early this year I have until the end of 2016 to loose the weight or I will accept where I am weight wise and just try to help this gut. 

I’m not there yet unfortunately!!! I still haven’t done a single thing towards my personal health. I’ve read I’ve researched I’ve created these drastic grocery list all in my head. However when I go into the store it’s a totally different story. 

I don’t accept how I look and I need to jump spring hop into action. I need motivation….

I’ve had the most difficult time focusing and having a clear mind to creat a plan to move in the direction I would like. Currently accepting change and making way for it to come and take place and settle. 

Now that I am writing this post I realize that mayb I should remove the deadline I’ve placed on my weight control. Or should I keep it because it gives me a timeline to accomplish a goal.

Ahhhh there it goes again. I’m struggling between being a free spirit living in the moment,things happening in divine order, and me holding myself accountable and making things happen because I want them to happen….

Okay so this was supposed to be about self acceptance, truth be told I’m confused and on this journey as you can read, or see if you’ve been following my current life events. 

Thanks for reading let me know if you’ve got advice from personal experience, or if the wind whispered in your ear about me lol.  I’m so torn between the two women I want to be, structured yet free they’re complete opposite. I need clarity….. 

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